


The DNA Files

by fee_kh



Category: Dark Angel
Genre: Fluff and Crack, I don't even..., completely crazy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-17
Updated: 2013-02-17
Packaged: 2017-11-29 15:07:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/688340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fee_kh/pseuds/fee_kh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A look at the consequences of patching different DNA into the transgenics. Supposed to be funny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cat DNA

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine, I swear. Just playin' you know. Hehehe.
> 
> At the time I wrote this, I was working on some pretty heavy-duty stories that were full of angst and destruction. I needed some levity. This is that levity. It was supposed to be one chapter and then snowballed into five, after which I kinda ran out of ideas. The first chapter popped into my head in one go, led by the ending line of the chapter, which seems to happen to me quite often for some reason. I. Just. Could. Not. Help. Myself.
> 
> I seem to write lots of stories back to front, knowing how I want them to end and then having fun getting to that end. Curious.

Max and Alec cooed at each other, beyond happy with their lot in life. Here they were, after so much trouble, married and more in love than they could have ever thought possible.

From the first moment of their relationship, it had been sunshine and rainbows. Cindy had been over the moon, glorying in what she felt was the best bit of matchmaking she had ever been fortunate enough to initiate. Normal had cried a little but given his blessing to their union, echoed by Logan, who had simply hoped that Max would find somebody who loved her as much as he did and make her happy.

One week after they declared their love in front of all their friends, Ames White had gone on national television and declared that it had all been one big misunderstanding and that there were no hard feelings, right. And that he for one was going to go fishing, so relaxing.

And now, finally, finally their little family was expanding. Max was pregnant, revelling in it in fact.

Here they were at the first ultrasound with Dex to find out how their little bundle of joy was doing.

Gently Dex pushed up Max's shirt and squirted some jelly on her swollen belly.

"Ooh, cold!" Max giggled.

"Too cold, love?" Alec inquired, all sympathy.

"No, I'm just so excited. We finally get to see the consummation of our love."

"I know, Maxie. I'm so excited I could cry." And Alec did just that, shedding some manly tears at the thought of seeing his son and heir, joined by Max, who was simply overcome that her strong hulk of a man could be so sensitive.

"Huh!" Dex had not spoken throughout this exchange, slightly nauseated by the lovey-dovey crap going on around him.

Max and Alec's heads swivelled around, faint expressions of disquiet on their faces. "What's the matter?"

"Well, nothing I suppose. As far as I can see they're healthy"

Alec and Max blanched at that, then beamed.

"Sweetie, do you hear that, there is more than one. Isn't it great. We'll have the family we always wanted." Alec only nodded and the two went back to nuzzling each other, whispering to each other and being insufferably cutesy.

"It's not just that. You know you both have a big helping of cat DNA?"

"Yes. And?" Alec wanted to know.

"Well, there is not just two." Dex paused a moment to let the information sink in.

"There's eight. With tails."


	2. Seahorse DNA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I know I am evil. But this second one just came to me. You could see one as the sequel to the other, but only if you want Alec to be in a serious amount of pain. I should feel bad about writing this but it just too funny and knowing how it made my brother cringe when he read this. I'm evil. What can I say.

Alec and Max came in for their first check-up. Both were over the moon that after a year and a half of marriage they were finally expecting. Yes, Max was pregnant with their first child.

The two transgenic saviours of humanity were in such a good mood, all of TC felt as if a jet plane carrying maple syrup had exploded in the general area and doused everything in cloying sweetness.

As Max pulled up her blouse to expose her rounded belly, Dex looked up with a devilish gleam in his eyes.

"Well, the bloodwork has come back. Max and the baby are both doing fine." The parents to be heaved a deep sigh of relief at that and beamed at each other, causing the cloy level in the room to rise several notches.

"However there was something interesting." Dex continued. "Nothing serious, you understand. It is just that the DNA test showed that Max and you have more diverse DNA mixed in your cocktail than we thought possible."

"What does that mean, Dex. Me and the baby will be fine, wont we?" Max asked tearfully, quickly reassured by her mate Alec.

"Of course you'll be fine. Although I do feel a bit sorry for Alec."

"Why for me?"

"Well it seems that you both carry a lot of seahorse DNA, especially mixed into the genes directing your reproduction."

"What does that mean? Not everybody is as up to date on zoological facts than you are." Alec asked.

"It's like this. Seahorses mate and the female carries the babies until half the term has passed and then passes the littles over to the male who carries them for the rest of the term."

Alec looked confused. "What's that mean?"

"it means you're giving birth, honey." Max smiled.

THUNK

"Alec? Alec? Great he's fainted."


	3. Elephant DNA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the one hand this was an answer to a challenge, because at the time I really thought Seahorse DNA would be hard to top. On the other hand I wanted to see if I could write a dialogue only piece that conveyed emotion. I like to think it worked. Except for the very last line, when I added a short descriptive bit. So I guess I didn't manage to write a dialogue-only piece. *sighs* Going back over old fic can suck.

"You tell her!"

"NO! You tell her."

"Are you insane? You tell her."

"Hell no. Do I have shmuck tattooed on my forehead? You tell her."

"You're her doctor. You tell her."

"And you're her husband. You tell her."

"Hey. Husband doesn't trump doctor."

"It totally does. You were the one who promised to stick by her in sickness and in health till death do you part."

"Yeah, but the death part could come so much sooner of I tell her."

"It is kinda your fault."

"No, it's not. Totally not my fault."

"You're the father, ergo it is your fault."

"But I didn't know. That has got to count for something."

"When has that ever mattered to Max?"

"True. God I am so screwed. I'm dead meat."

"Well, we're going to have to tell her."

"Tell me what?"

"Uh, sweetie, why don't you sit down."

"Thanks honey. So,Dex, tell me what? The baby's all right, isn't it?"

"Of course it is, Max. Developing just fine. Funny thing, Max. You know that good memory all of us have? Well it's due to elephant DNA."

"Eidetic, thank you. What's that got to do with things? Are you saying I'm going to give birth to an elephant, because that would not be fun."

"Hahahaha. No, of course not. What a weird idea. Isn't it Alec."

"Haha. Yeah. Weird idea."

"No, it's something else. Manticore ensured your good memory, by splicing in some elephant DNA, because you know, well known for their memory. And there was kinda a side effect."

"What kinda side effect?"

"Well, it's like this. The elephant DNA is somehow also in your reproductive genes and you're gnabprgntfsvnhdrdndfty days."

"Excuse me. I didn't quite catch that."

"Oh will you look at the time. Gotta go, sweetie. Meetings with Mole. Trips to Antarctica."

"ALEC! Don't leave me with her! Get back here."

"Dex. What is wrong. Tell me, or so help me I am going to whup your ass back into the stone age. And being five months pregnant is not going to stop me."

"Okay. I can do this. I mean how fast can she run."

"I heard that. SPILL!"

"No need to get testy. Well the elephant DNA means you are going to be pregnant an eensyweeny tiny bit longer than nine months."

"How much longer?"

"Well, about another seventeen months longer. Bye!"

"ALEC! GET BACK HERE! This is so totally your fault. I'm going to kill you!"

Fading in the distance: "See, I told you she would take this well."


	4. Frog DNA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This departs a little from the other chapters in that the consequences of DNA don't really affect Alec and Max so much as one of their compatriots. It just made me laugh to think of this. Kind of inspired by Jurassic Park. It also helps to visualise this while reading it. :)

Day 1

Alec sauntered into Command and tossed Mole an oblong box. "Here ya go old friend."

Mole shook the box. "What is it?"

"Cigars of course, what else?"

Mole shook the box once more and handed them back. "Nah, It's okay. I've kinda given up."

Alec was gobsmacked. "But you love smoking!" He cold have sworn he saw a hint of red stain the lizard man's cheeks.

"They kinda stink." Mole mumbled. "Thanks anyway."  
Day 2

Mole stood next to Dex, both staring down at the screen in front of them. Dex pointed at something and laughed. Mole flicked his head and, laughing, punched his friend lightly in the shoulder, sending Dex flying across the room on his wheeled chair.  
Day 3

Alec strolled into comand and joined Max in the door of her office.

"Hey, sweetie."

He was most miffed when his loving greeting was rewarded by nothing more than an absentminded peck on the cheek. Where was the passion? Following her gaze, he saw Mole in one corner of the room, standing with a hand on his hip.

"Something wrong honey?"

Max waved a hand aimlessly in the air and shrugged. "I don't know. Does Mole seem kinda curvier to you?"

Alec tilted his head and tried to see what she saw. "Well, I suppose. Could just be the clothes."

"Yeah, probably."

Day 4

It was the usual meeting in Command on a Friday. Mole skipped in and plonked down in a seat next to Dex. It took him awhile to realise that his entrance had caused all proceedings to grind to a screeching halt and that everybody was staring at him. Or more particularly, staring at his tighter than usual gray-violet shirt.

Fingering the hem, he said defensively: "What? It brings out the colour of my eyes."

Alec blinked. "O-kay. Back to business."  
Day 5

Alec and Max were watching Mole fight with Biggs about something or other. Mole was up close and personal, right in Biggs face, screaming for all he was worth.

Alec and Max shared am uncomfortable look.

"You know they kinda remind me of something." Max mused.

Alec nodded. "Yeah, just can't put my finger on it." He frowned, then a ghastly look of horror came over him. "I've got it. They remind me of us. Before we got together."

Max pulled a face. "Eeeeewwwww."

"Right there with you." A new voice piped up.

Alec and Max turned to find Dex behind them with his scientific face.

"I presume you can explain this." Max asked.

"Of course." Dex pumped out his chest. "I am the resident scientist genius after all. Have you ever heard of the weird South American tree frogs."

"Nope, but I am sure you will tell us." Alec quipped with his lovable smile.

"Right. Anyway, these tree frogs are really rare and have a lot of natural enemies, the male is also less well camoflaged than the female, so has a higher death rate. If the situation arrises where the survival of a colony is threatened due to a lack of males, some females will spontaneously change sex." He paused, waiting to see if his leaders would get his drift without him having to say it out loud. However, no such luck.

"The opposite is also true. With a lack of females some males will spontaneously change sex. And we have a serious lack of females in our little home."

Max was the first to catch on. "Oooooh. And may I just say, eeeeeewwwwww."

Alec smirked. "So I gues we will have to call him Molette now.


	5. Mystery DNA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got the inspiration for this from a maths problem we got in school once. Am sure most of you came across this or a similar version at one point of another.

"Again?" Mole couldn't believe it. Dex nodded, clearly unhappy in his role as messenger boy.

"But it's only been.."

"Six weeks."

"That's the third time."

"I know." Dex said. "Believe me I know. I ran the test six times. But sadly, same response every time. She's pregnant."

"How many this time?"

"Three again."

"Good thing they grow so fast."

"No, it's not." Dex practically wailed. "Think about it. If they carry on like this Max and Alec alone will have 27 this year and the same amount every year and the kids will have that many and the kid's kids will have that many again. There'll be thousands in no time." He stared at Mole in helpless panic.

Mole chewed his cigar thoughtfully. "You know I'm beginning to sympathise with White for wanting to get rid of them."

Dex managed to hide his smile and nodded, waiting for Mole to continue.

"Well, there's only one thing for it, Dex."

"What's that?"

"If we don't want to drown in thousands of little Alecs and Maxs within three years we're gonna have to neuter them. Humane thing to do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is the end of that. After this, I decided to stop. It seemed a fitting point to end.


End file.
